Journal 5.11.17

“I want back my virginity/So I can feel infinity.”
–Marina and the Diamonds “Teen Idle”

I’m back in anorexic hell. I talk a good game about wanting to “get healthy,” and I bitch at my mom for “reading my mind” and “projecting” her truths on me that she knows I just want to lose weight, and I don’t give a damn about being healthy, but she sees right through  my bullshit and she knows all I care about is shedding 40 lbs as fast as I can, no matter how I have to do it. Even my therapist doesn’t realize this is the beginning of a relapse.

I called N from the clubhouse last night. I met her last December after the rape when I’d started purging again to avoid thinking about what Tim did to me. I was at a candlelight meeting, which is one of the only meetings where I feel comfortable enough to say anything more than, “Hi I’m Katherine, addict and alcoholic, and I’m grateful to be here, but I’m just going to listen tonight,” and I said I needed to “tell on myself about some outside issues,” and admitted that I’d been purging again, but didn’t say anything about being raped, and I made it into something about the multifaceted nature of addiction, and an “addiction to chaos,” and an inability to treat myself with kindness or even any sort of decency. N spoke up and said that she was a recovering anorexic, and we talked after the meeting. She wanted to take me through the Twelve Steps of Eating Disorders Anonymous, and we’d been going through the EDA book together, but then I went to treatment, and when I got home, I decided that I was cured from my eating disorder, and didn’t need N anymore because I found her intimidating, and I was jealous of how she could say that she was in recovery and still be like 1/3 my size, and be so beautiful, and it just pissed me the fuck off, and there was just something kind of “off” about her, like she was “too” honest, “too” straightforward. I think she just kinda forced me to admit how pervasive my anorexia is/was, and I didn’t want to admit that I still struggled when I talked such a good  game about Being Recovered, but I was just one wrong thought, one negative comment away from plummeting back into eating disorder hell, which is where I am now.

I’m trying to cut back on caffeine, sugar, carbs, Xanax, cigarettes, terrorizing my dog, throwing my clothes on the floor, being messy, skipping class, telling lies, SH, being myself…

I’m sick of having these arguments in my head: Does vape liquid have calories? Do I deserve another cup of tea/coffee with real sugar? Can I eat white pasta tonight?

I’m trying to mend fences with Colette. I’m really trying. I miss having a best friend.

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